Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they’re told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need — and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including “time-outs”), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That’s precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it’s not the message most parents intend to send.
More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting — including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
User Ratings and Reviews
3 Stars Concise and easy to understand
I wouldn’t claim that this is his best work until now, but this tiny book of his actually managed to give layperson especially parents (those who do not specialise in psychology)a glimpse of how our behaviors can affect our children, argued in scientifically-relevant ways using many of the research available. For those who are into psychology, this book enhances your knowledge, gives new perspectives, and making an arguement against reward (which effect is less frequently discussed in parenting books or psychology literature).
3 Stars I have SERIOUSLY mixed feelings about this book
Overall, I’m glad I read it, as it is a thought-provoking read that ultimately made a better parent just by grappling with the issues it presents.
Here is what I liked about it:
Kohn emphasizes teaching empathy, teaching kids about the effects their behavior will have on OTHER people, not just on themselves; teaching kids to behave because it’s the right thing to do, not out of fear of punishment or desire for reward. This is an extremely important and useful concept that many parenting books neglect.
I think many of his observations about “conditional” parenting are spot on, and things I remember painfully from my own childhood.
Everything he says is well-documented, not just his own spouting opinion. I think he is especially brave to take on race, religion and culture when he makes his assertions. I find his information about self-esteem to be particularly relevant.
I like that he allows hardworking parents to cut themselves a slice of slack. The world is not going to come to a crashing halt if your child sees you fumble. I have a three-year-old, and his advice about three-year-olds is helpful in the practical sense. There truly ARE many times when I feel like yelling at my child, “Are you dense?!” only to have Kohn’s words echo back at me, “I’m not dense! I’m THREE!” A lot of this information is reassuring and helps me to be more calm and patient.
Finally, he advises parents to take his own advice with a grain of salt, something most parenting gurus won’t do. He acknowledges that there are times when your child needs a bath or you need to get out of the house by a certain time and you will have to impose your will on the child and there isn’t a way around that. He acknowledges that sometimes a thought experiment is just a thought experiment. I appreciate that kind of honesty.
What I didn’t like:
Kohn jumps to conclusions a lot and misses some important details. For example, he says that a creative, empathetic child is better than an obedient child. Well, you know, in the long run, sure, I want my child to be creative and self-reliant and not be a “yes-child” who bows to every authority. But when she was two, I had a terrible time teaching her to walk on the side of the street instead of in the middle (no sidewalks in our neighborhood). It took many tries of picking her up and carrying her home kicking and screaming before she learned to obey me. The point is, sometimes there ARE times when you just plain want your child to obey, and when obedience is a necessary, reasonable goal in the situation. The younger the child, the more true this is, but a child of any age needs to have SOME respect for authority. Maybe not total blind obedience, but some level of acknowledgment that there are people who know more than he does whom he might just benefit from listening to.
And any parent can tell you there are some times when your kid is just plain being bratty, and you as the parent have to make him toe the line. I’m not a huge fan of time-out or punishment in general, but there are times when it IS called for, and it is not love withdrawal. Or if it is, then maybe that’s what’s needed to get the kid to stop being obnoxious! I feel particularly strongly about natural consequences. Kohn claims that what your child will remember is not the lesson, but that you could have helped and didn’t. Well, maybe. But I’m sure all of us who had halfway decent parents will remember some times in our childhood when our parents did things we didn’t like at the time, but now that we’re grown, we’re glad for the lessons we learned from them. My dad taught me to play the trumpet, standing behind me with his hands around my waist, making me push out his hands breathing with my diaphragm. I would never have developed good musicianship if he hadn’t done that. My husband’s mother used to make him cook meals from scratch AND clean up after himself. We wouldn’t be as healthy if she hadn’t done that. Sometimes parents have to do things that their kids are going to find jerky, or at least not helpful, at the time, but nevertheless it’s necessary to do it anyway. It all depends on the individual parents and children and the situation–it’s not something you can make a blanket statement about (at least not an accurate blanket statement).
I totally disagree with Kohn that being polite (”please” and “thank you”) for its own sake is pointless, and most certainly will encourage a child to use those words, even if she’s not old enough to talk yet and I have to say them for her. I do agree with him that the point is to make the other person feel good, not to get what you yourself want, so I won’t force the issue.
Finally, I think that all of Kohn’s advice on the whole carried out to its logical extreme is just impossible. It would result in mass scale brattiness that would undo all the creativity and empathy that might go along with it.
My conclusions:
I think it’s best for a person to have medium self-esteem. I want my daughter to feel like a good and capable person without having an overinflated ego. I do praise her when she has done something genuinely impressive, when I think she really HAS done a good job; I would praise any friend or relative of any age in that instance. I do NOT praise her as positive reinforcement to get her to do it again, nor do I pile on empty praise to inflate her ego. I try to help her see how her actions, good and bad, affect others; but when she really is being obnoxious, I have no qualms about either letting the chips fall where they may (natural consequences) or removing either herself or myself from the situation (punishment, albeit mild punishment; “love withdrawal”). I tell her I love her even when I’m angry, but that doesn’t stop me from letting her know that what she did was wrong.
I’m glad I read this book and I recommend it to anyone who can read it with an open, critical mind and find what makes sense and what applies and what doesn’t.
By the way, I know some young adults who were raised this way. They did indeed “turn out well” as far as being creative and empathetic; they’re nice people. But they’re not doing so well on the “go-to-work-every-day-and-hold-down-a-job-in-order-to-pay-their-own-bills” front. I don’t know if this is a phase they will outgrow or if maybe a little more discipline when they were younger might have helped move them along a bit.
5 Stars wonderful parenting book- should be required reading in high school
This book is really a wonderful tool for parents- new parents, people who want to be parents and people who have been parents for a while. It sparked great conversations between my husband and me.
Kohn lays out his arguments so well, and everything in the book is thoroughly backed up with research. It is funny, poignant, and clear. A must read for sure!
If this book were required reading in High School, many of our families would be much happier and healthier.
5 Stars Good
A real eye opener on how to cherish little people and enable them to grow into assured, self confident adults. So many things that adults do to children, not realizing the detrimental effects they cause to a childs growth. I was skeptical at first, but once I got into the book I found it fascinating.
5 Stars A MUST READ!!!!!!!!
This book is an absolute must-read on parenting. I was fortunate enough to come across this book when my oldest was a baby. I didn’t know how it would work, but I was committed to the book’s principles which really resonated with me. My son is now 4.5 years old, and I can tell you that this is a wonderful, loving, close, gentle, respectful way to parent, that pays more and more dividends as time progresses. I’ve watched my son blossom from a very intense and high-need baby/toddler to a very intense, active, loving, generous, kind boy. Did Unconditional Parenting change his basic independent, challenging, engaging personality? Of course not. Nor would I want it to. It took millions of years of evolution to give us all the wonderfully diverse personality types we see today. But he wasn’t an “easy” baby, and he’s not an “easy” child. But I see him mirroring his treatment of me and others by my treatment of him. He has a high respect for himself and others. He’s happy,healthy, and thriving with the help of unconditional parenting (and attachment parenting).
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