Youre Wearing That Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
Youre Wearing That Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
Deborah Tannen’s #1 New York Times bestseller You Just Don’t Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of women’s lives: the mother-daughter relationship.
It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same language–but still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the other’s power and underestimates her own.
Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Three–hair, clothes, and weight–while longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves?
Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.
With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannen’s humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, You’re Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.
“Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn’t just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a “self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations.” – The San Francisco Chronicle
From the Hardcover edition.
User Ratings and Reviews
5 Stars Great for women AND men!
Another reviewer said it best when she asked if Tannen knew her and her daughter. I called my mother several times over the course of reading this book, laughing about conversations we’ve had IDENTICAL to those in this book. What I love about Tannen is that none of the information she delivers is revolutionary, it’s the way she collects, organizes, and details it that makes it useful and interesting to general audiences. And while I highly recommend this book to women, I’d love for men to read it as well; I think it would give them great insight into a relationship that often leaves them shaking their head.
5 Stars Great
Great book for the parents of children, and should be read by the children as well.
4 Stars Fascinating…
This book was interesting, even fascinating.
I love reading about why people think and act the way they do, and Tannen has made some amazing discoveries about why mothers and daughters interact the way they do. She also has some helpful suggestions. I enjoyed this book and I learned some things as well.
5 Stars Because I’m the Mom and I said so!!
This is a must read! When I saw the title on ParentsDigest, I downloaded it right away! I remember the things my mother said that I always swore I’d never say to my kids, because of how often my mother would say them, and how they caused our lines of communication to shut down. I strive to communicate well with my children, especially my teenage daughter — but this book gave me the tools to help avoid miscommunications, misunderstandings, and a breakdown in communication between us.
4 Stars You’re wearing that?
This book most certainly made me laugh, get a bit teary eyed and also shed new light on why my relationship with my mother is the way it is. It certainly has stretched me farther than I wanted but in the end the book has given me a new perspective on the mother-daughter relationship.
Filed under: Parenting Books